by CAROL McEWEN, for the Sun Gazette
Remember those tedious Christmas letters? The ones we spent hours writing while we denuded our hair follicles and gnashed our teeth?
We were trying to make our families sound successful and happy, forgetting that 90 percent of the recipients never read the letters anyway.
The ones my husband and I got usually went something like this: Hubert wowed his superiors at work and they have put him on the fast track for promotion. He plans to be the CEO by age 40.
After performing brain surgery all day, I whip up gourmet, vegan evening meals. I am enclosing my newly invented breakfast recipe: Scrambled Tofu with Bean Sprouts.
Hubert Jr. plays first chair flute in the school band, is the captain of the basketball team and is deciding between Harvard and Stanford. Meanwhile Esmeralda continues her love affair with ballet. She’ll be dancing the part of Clara in the Nutcracker at the Kennedy Center this Christmas and has created a charity for out-of-work Santas.
Over lunch, my friend and I amused ourselves by inventing our own version of the annual Christmas letter:
Hubert was passed over for promotion again this year, but we’re hopeful that next year will bring a much-needed raise.
I’ve been so busy partying, I haven’t cleaned the house or done the laundry. But I DID buy us all new Fruit of the Looms at Walmart, so we should be OK for a while longer.
Hubert Jr. languishes in jail because we can’t scrape together bail money, and Esmeralda was suspended from school for smoking a joint in the girls’ washroom. But the principal assures us she’ll be readmitted soon.
The younger generation has it all figured out. They just send pictures for updates. Yep, those pictures are worth several thousand words and are a lot faster to peruse.
We can see the kids are now taller than the parents; the photo with everyone wearing mouse ears lets us know where they went on vacation; and that pet picture tells us Sparky is still alive, even if a little gray around the muzzle.
I’m thinking of ditching the letter this year and following the younger crowd’s example.
I’ll include a picture of my husband and me getting our COVID shots. Then I’ll add one of us shopping the two-for-one sale on vitamins at CVS. Last, I’ll throw in a nice close-up of us at Costco stocking up on Depends. That ought to cover the year nicely.
Who said us Old School types couldn’t learn new tricks?
Reach Carol McEwen at firstname.lastname@example.org.